These are the days of Miracle & Wonder!

You know where you can stick your over-exuberant Christmas Lights, don't you?

Important Questions!

One of the advantages of living in such an exciting, joined-up world community is that find ng out what everyone else is doing/thinking/saying is pretty easy.  For example, type 'what is' into Google and allow it to suggest a completed questions, and you instantly discover what is most commonly on other people's lips/keyboards.

So here are a selection.  I've put the actual question in bold, the rest is what Google suggests.  Welcome to a world of important questions demanding to be answered.  It's comfortingly peculiar:

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Which is the only king in a modern standard pack of cards that doesn't have a moustache?
What are these strawberries doing on my nipples I need them for the fruit salad?
Why can’t I own a Canadian?
Why is there a dead Pakistani on my couch?
Why won't my parakeet eat my diarrhoea?
Who isn't your sister and isn't your brother but is still a child of your mother and father?
Why should you never weigh a hot object?
Will your grandchildren be Jewish?
How could you separate tellurium dioxide from silicon dioxide?
What do snails eat?
Why do Indians smell?
Where is Chuck Norris?
What won't Meatloaf do for love?
Who moved my cheese?

I used to presume that the funny guys at Google put these suggestions in as a joke, but now I'm not so sure.  I think life is weird enough to engender these kind of results.

The Marvellous Mr Chesterton

[Quotations from the great GK, helpfully arranged into categories to make it easier.]

Religion

If I had only one sermon to preach it would be a sermon against pride.

It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.

The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.

To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.

Philosophy

Do not free a camel of the burden of his hump; you may be freeing him from being a camel. 

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered.

I've searched all the parks in all the cities and found no statues of committees.

Love means to love that which is unlovable; or it is no virtue at all.

No man who worships education has got the best out of education... Without a gentle contempt for education no man's education is complete.

There is no such thing on earth as an uninteresting subject; the only thing that can exist is an uninterested person.

Being Human

The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind.

The true object of all human life is play. Earth is a task garden; heaven is a playground.

To be clever enough to get all that money, one must be stupid enough to want it.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

Man is an exception, whatever else he is. If he is not the image of God, then he is a disease of the dust. If it is not true that a divine being fell, then we can only say that one of the animals went entirely off its head.

Being Silly

Lying in bed would be an altogether perfect and supreme experience if only one had a coloured pencil long enough to draw on the ceiling.

Man does not live by soap alone; and hygiene, or even health, is not much good unless you can take a healthy view of it or, better still, feel a healthy indifference to it.

Once I planned to write a book of poems entirely about the things in my pocket. But I found it would be too long; and the age of the great epics is past.

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

A Few Days Late, But Pertinant Nonetheless

there, they drive on the WRONG side of the road

I'm in a country where, at roundabouts, you give way to the left.  Fools!

Dark Red: drive on the wrong side
Light Red: infidels, who left the true path
Purple: infidels, who once were confused, but now are lost
Dark Blue: the chosen people
Light blue: adopted into the chosen people

Now maybe I'm just a soppy old post-colonialist, but I do feel a special affection for 'our team' (especially since Samoa took the brave decision a few months back to join the Blue Army).  It's only Napoleon's fault that anyone outside France drives on the wrong side at all - silly man.

And on the subject of Napoleon, he also famously came acropper trying to hold that European-Asian border, and, as any Risk player knows, that's just asking for trouble: it's Australasia that wins you world dominance - put all your armies on Papua New Guinea ...

A Potted, Illustrated History of World War II, with only a Little Swearing

...............[Click on the image if you can't see all the detail, but be warned: it's a BIG picture]

nice things to make you happy

Sticking Up For Middlesbrough

Just in case you never saw it first time round, a bit on the news this week remembered an old survey declaring Middlesbrough the worst place to live in England.

As voted for by the kind of Londoners who make/watch/value Location Location.

Well, here's the wonderful Jeff Stelling to put them right back in their place ...

Disco Suomi!

If you know anybody who grew up in Finland in the 80s, there is some possibility that these are their parents.  Blackmail has never been so easy ...

The Liffs I Have Lived

Back in the good old days - the 80s - the mighty Douglas Adams (and another guy whose name everyone always forgets but who was called John Lloyd) wrote a dictionary, The Meaning of Liff, highlighting all manner of common experiences/feelings/situations/objects which everyone knows and recognises, but for which no words exist.  In the book, the necessary words were provided; the nomenclature for the task being the place names of Great Britain.  For example:

ABINGER (n.)
One who washes up everything except the frying pan, the cheese grater and the saucepan which the chocolate sauce has been made in.

[Abinger is a village in Surrey]

Employing Mr Adams' (and the other guy's) creative and comic talents (and some cutting and pasting), I can now present to you, the abridged story of my life, in definitions.
 

PLYMOUTH (vb.)
To relate an amusing story to someone without remembering that it was they who told it to you in the first place.

ZEAL MONACHORUM (n.)
(Skiing term.) To ski with 'zeal monachorum' is to descend the top three quarters of the mountain in a quivering blue funk, but on arriving at the gentle bit just in front of the restaurant to whizz to a stop like a victorious slalom-champion.

HATHERSAGE (n.)
The tiny snippets of beard which coat the inside of a washbasin after shaving in it.

HARPENDEN (n.)
The coda to a phone conversion, consisting of about eight exchanges, by which people try gracefully to get off the line.

HODDESDEN (n.)
An 'injured' footballer's limb back into the game which draws applause but doesn't fool anybody.

LUTON (n.)
The horseshoe-shaped rug which goes around a lavatory seat.

ROYSTON (n.)
The man behind you in church who sings with terrific gusto almost tree quarters of a tone off the note.

EXETER (n.)
All light household and electrical goods contain a number of vital components plus at least one exeter. If you've just mended a fuse, changed a bulb or fixed a blender, the exeter is the small, flat or round plastic or bakelite piece left over which means you have to undo everything and start all over again.

CULLOMPTON (n.)
Someone who just cannot do anything quietly.

NEWTON POPPLEFORD (n.)
A crackpot theorist who believes that he will overturn science and the laws of physics as we know them. Since the rise of the Internet, Newton Popplefords have received more public attention than real scientists.

CORSTORPHINE (n.)
A very short peremptory service held in monasteries prior to teatime to offer thanks for the benediction of digestive biscuits.

TOLSTACHAOLAIS (phr.)
What the police in Leith require you to say in order to prove that you are not drunk.

 

[Devon (parents), Sheffieldish (born), Herts (brought up), Devon (moved), Edinburgh (latest)]

If You Can Keep Your Head ...

... when all about you are losing theirs:

A moment from Sunday's CCE Sports Day in the Meadows.
I am King of Egg-and-Spoon :)

English identity stuff cntd

I was talking a month or two ago about my attempts to reconcile myself with my Englishness - about how it's something I am extra-able to do having spent my last few years in Scotland.  And part of doing that is being able to hear both praise and criticism:

The English are not very spiritual people; they invented cricket to give them some idea of eternity.
George Bernard Shaw

The English may not like music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes.
Thomas Beecham

I like the English. They have the most rigid code of immorality in the world.
Malcolm Bradbury

An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one.
George Mikes

In England there are sixty different religions, and only one sauce.
Francesco Caracciolo

England is a nation of shopkeepers.
Napoleon Bonaparte

The reason why Englishmen are the best husbands in the world is because they want to be faithful. A Frenchman or an Italian will wake up in the morning and wonder what girl he will meet. An Englishman wakes up and wonders what the cricket score is.
Barbara Cartland

Our nation is unique in this respect: they are the only people who like to be told how bad things are, who like to be told the worst.
Winston Churchill

The English contribution to world cuisine - chips.
John Cleese

The English do not expect happiness. I had the impression, all the time that I lived there, that they do not want to be happy; they want to be right.
Quentin Crisp

On the Continent people have good food; in England people have good table manners.
George Mikes

What a pity it is that we have no amusements in England but vice and religion!
Sydney Smith

You know what the Englishman's idea of compromise is? He says, "Some people say there is a God. Some people say there is no God. The truth probably lies somewhere between these two statements."
William Butler Yeats

The English have an umbilical cord which has never been cut and through which tea flows constantly. It is curious to watch them in times of sudden horror, tragedy or disaster. The pulse stops apparently, and nothing can be done, and no move made, until 'a nice cup of tea' is quickly made. There is no question that it brings solace and does steady the mind. What a pity all countries are not so tea-conscious. World peace conferences would run more smoothly if 'a nice cup of tea' were available at the proper time.
Marlene Dietrich

We do not regard the English as foreigners. We look on them only as rather mad Norwegians.
Halvard Lange

London - a place you go to get bronchitis.
Fran Lebowitz

An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven't been done before.
Mark Twain

The English have an extraordinary ability for flying into a great calm.
Alexander Woollcott

An Englishman is a man who lives on an island in the North Sea governed by Scotsmen.
Philip Guedalla

Graphs: they make data palatable to simpletons

Graph 1:  Voting intentions of the British public since last election (main 3 parties only, of course ...).

Graph 2:  How many people have visited my blog per day, since it appeared online.

Other Graphs:  Explaining things that we all know, but are good to be reminded of anyway.

True Answers from Family Fortunes

If you have ever been lost, held in a morasse of doubt as to the veracity of your cranial capacity, or wondering whether you ever really learned anything at school, read these and remember what a great country we live in.  I find it helps if I imagine them being said with brummy accents, for some reason ...

Q. Name something you take to the beach
A. Turkey sandwiches

Q. Name something a blind person might use
A. A sword

Q. Name a dangerous race
A. The Arabs*

Q. Name something that floats in the bath
A. Water

Q. Name a number you have to memorise
A. 7

Q. Name something in the garden that's green
A. Shed

Q. Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine
A. A bicycle with wings

Q. Name an animal you might see at the zoo
A. A dog

Q. Name something associated with the police
A. Pigs

Q. Name a food that can be brown or white
A. Potato

Q. Name a jacket potato topping
A. Jam

Q. Name something with a hole in it
A. Window

ps.  Why did we all watch it?

-

*that one's especially for Maria

Existential Mug Shot

 

'... Rowe'

This week, having had the astounding privilege of welcoming a new baby called Ivy into our family, I've been wracking my brains to find a decent answer to the question, 'What will I call my children?'

It's a difficult question, you see, since any soubriquet will have to compliment the existing surname.  But I have put in the work.  Here are some names that might precede Rowe with the required degree of elegance/insouciance:

Hedge
Fay (or Fair)
Bist
Velk
Scairk
Kai
Aff
Here
Mike
Mac
Jon-Macken
Marrillinmon
Heath
Zee

Plus, if one becomes a professional wrestler, there's always:

Death

--

Children.  For me.  Aren't you just longing for that day?

Monday Morning Beauty

Three and a half minutes to set you up for the week ahead:

Quote of the Day

'The snow is settling on my curry!' 

Tom Kirby

Aha! It's Christopher Robin the Rampant Communist and His Bolshevik Bear

Prepare to be utterly astounded, people.

My Dad, the culturally-savvy wotsit that he is, told me about these a few days ago.  Vinni Pukh is the Soviet-era version of Winnie the Pooh, and kicks the pants of the Disney adaptations any day, in my book.  So now I shall share them with you ...

October 23rd post cntd

 

Soon, it'll all be over - thank God

In just a few short hours, the Kingdom will have finally come, or the world will have ended, depending on your particular brand of politics.  At long flipping last.  And then, there'll be no more of this sort of thing:

Ps. Vote Libertarian!

Fringe Review #3 - Tim Vine: Punslinger

I've got a friend who's just joined the gypsy wing of the Masons.  They meet in a travel lodge.
My friend's dog has got no dictionary.  I asked him, "How does it spell... 'terrible'?"
I rang up the AA to get an itemised bill.  They told me, "Sorry, we don't do breakdowns."
My pixie friend can't give blood - too much haemogoblin ...
Earlier, I saw the chief executive of Tesco drowning, so I threw him a cork.  Every little helps.
I asked a careers advisor how best to be self-employed. "Mind your own business," he said.
I used to run a dating agency for chickens, but it was a real struggle to make hens meet.
By the way, if you've got an Islamic dog, muzzle 'im.
When I was a lumberjack, I'd put on new clothes after every tree.  Always chopping & changing.
This guy came up to me and said, "I've got bubonic plague!"  I said, "Don't give me that ..."
He said, "Can you tell me what to call people who come from Corsica?"  I said, "Course I can."
My girlfriend took me round to her house and she had an 8ft lightswitch - what a huge turn off.

etc.etc.etc.etc.etc.etc.etc.etc.etc.etc.etc.etc. & more ...

==

That's about 2 minutes worth of Tim Vine, and he keeps it up for an hour (pausing only for a quick song, prop-led gag, or game of 'sheepy-uppy').  When Maria and I went, we knew what we'd be getting - and were possibly a bit concerned as to whether or not we'd like it as much as his older stuff - but within the first minute it was clear just how powerful a tide of silliness Tim Vine can sweep you away with.  As long as you don't take your comedy too seriously (and if that's not a paradox I don't know what is), then it's impossible not to be dragged along by the sheer momentum of fun flying at you.

And the thing is, we all know that Tim Vine writes great one-liners (many of which are so bad that they're funny in a completely different way), but I'm pretty sure that he's better than he thinks he is.  One absolutely astounding moment in the show was when Tim introduced his new puppet - his lips defiantly moving as it spoke - and asked what it had been doing today.  "Ventriloquism," came the reply.  The puppet collected its puppet, which was also a ventriloquist (a bad one), as was the third, and the fourth.  The sight of Tim's lips moving in sync with all four puppets as the final one introduced its hobby would have knocked me off my seat, if I hadn't been clinging on for dear life.  I'd never seen anything like it, and I'm sure that Tim Vine has plenty more where that came from, if only he had the confidence to leave behind his staple pun food now and then.

But we LOVED it.  Great show.  We also loved the (very mixed age) crowd, including the sight of the guy in front of me turning to his wife after every single joke to see if she had got it :)

Darling, fetch my demon-slaying slippers - I'm going out!

Right, I'm flat-searching at the moment.  Just saw this on Gumtree:

--

Haunted Flat to Rent

a 1 bedroom haunted 1 bedroom flat to rent in edinburgh just off leith walk and 2 minutes from the playhouse,
what can i say this flay is not frt the faint hearted,it is beleived a ghost of a killer is in this flat along with the spirits of his wife and children,they were killed by the killer.ican garuntee all this through personal experiances and after i bacame possessed by john the spirit of the murderer,if intrested call for more details,but please do not think this is a money making skam,if for any reason i fee that you are not able to handle the cosequences i will not rent the flat to you.
the flat is fully furnished and to a very high spec.
i will accep short lets.daily lets as i understand no one will be able to live in this flat for a long period of time
call me for more details

--

What's he asking?  £600/month?  Tell him he's dreaming ...

The 'Lakeland Revival'

For a few weeks now, reports have been filtering around concerning some interesting - indeed, 'special' - goings on in a place called Lakeland.  Now, not all of us are as up to speed as my good self, so I thought I'd shed some light on behalf of the uninformed.  Whether or not this is a true 'revival' is, of course, open to conjecture, but there is no doubt that increasing numbers of devout followers are being affected by what is going on, and therefore it is worth giving up some of my Sunday night to comment on.

Lakeland is a small shop in central Exeter, and for many years now it has been providing its customers with high quality kitchenware and associated products.  The manager and senior staff had always considered their store 'a good place to come', commanding a small but committed community of regulars.  That was until earlier this year.

"It was around about the Whitsun bank holiday," remembers Mrs T Bentley, assistant manager, "and I had just transferred from the Newton Abbot branch.  I don't think I did anything much different that day, just arranged the new 'altar' range of bowls in the window, put up some horse's bells and opened up for the day.  But the hunger of the people for high quality, well-designed kitchenware at reasonable prices was such that we've had to open the store up for special 'overflow' sessions on weekday evenings.  I'd heard of things like this happening before - they felt like long-distant stories, but now we're in the middle of one of them!"

Mrs Bentley's eyes fill with tears as she speaks - tears of joy.  And she is not the only one who is happy.  Todd Florida, Lakeland's regional sales director, is pleased as well.

"Initially - and to everyone's surprise - this great influx of people did not really translate itself into increased sales," he says, looking at a wall chart.  "But we believe that this shortfall may have been due to the numbers of people falling to the ground as they strove to approach the checkout - the experience seems to have been too much for some of them to handle.  But as the days and weeks have passed with ever-increasing levels of zeal and fervency, large numbers have come to visit the store, many travelling impressive distances.  We have seen in them a great desire not only to engage with the unique Lakeland shopping experience, but to take some of our unique designs back home with them to share with their local communities.  In this way, people in many different locations in the West Country and around the world have been touched by what is going on here."

In recent times, many have despaired of the retail sector, declaring it out of date and irrelevant to normal people's lives, but this sales revival shows no sign of slowing - indeed, it is spreading.  Already, new stores carrying the Lakeland brand have been planted in other towns and cities and are reporting similar scenes as have been witnessed in Exeter.  The group's website is also generating astronomical numbers of hits.  But not everyone is happy.

"I have been a regular here for years," said Mary Rowe, a local politician.  "Week in, week out.  I was here before this 'revival', and I'll still be coming when it's all finished and forgotten.  I just wish people would stop trying to interview me and let me get on with my shopping."