Seven-time Tour de France cycling champion and serial adulterer Lance Armstrong this afternoon confided to a close circle of friends (including Ellen DeGeneres, during a live recording of her syndicated talk show) that he ‘lied in the face’ of Oprah Winfrey, when recently interrogated by the chat-show queen.
The Texan Armstrong, having admitted last week that his record-busting career had been fuelled by an orchestrated regime of blood-doping ‘unparalleled in the history of everything,’ today revealed to Ellen that his admission was, in fact, a pack of lies.
‘After [former team-mate] Tyler Hamilton’s admission of drug-taking, and the resulting extraordinary sales of his book, I felt I had no other option but to follow suit.
‘I knew that every person in the whole of history is jealous of me and my success, and I wanted – out of sheer humility – to show the plebs that I am as fallible, weak, and susceptible to temptation as them.
‘But I lied. It wasn’t true – none of it – and I’m so sorry. I am Iron Man.’
‘I was shocked,’ confirmed Ms Chrow. ‘As far as I was concerned, Lance only went on Ellen’s show out of generosity: in order to badmouth as many former cyclists as possible, so that they could sue him and reclaim the millions of dollars in libel damages they had previously been ordered to pay him, and which he still possesses.’
‘But under the kind of duress that can only be brought on by Ms DeGeneres’ inane cheeriness, open-ended questions, and easy opportunities to show himself in a good light, Lance broke down and made this confession.
After the show, with a melee of reporters lined up to confess their shame at doubting Armstrong and begging to be allowed to kiss his feet, the great man's characteristic grace, gentility, and honesty overflowed. He smiled benevolently at the throng, and declared:
O ye of little faith – I am the Resurrection, and the Life! Behold the Man!