Right. So I'm in the American State of Unitedness now (and very happy to have my summer hence extended), and in LESS THAN TWO WEEKS the time will finally arrive when Maria & I will go from 'getting married' to 'being married'.
And today is Maria's birthday - this wonderful, beautiful, soulful and graceful girl is now 24. Which means that we have known one another for a quarter of her life (slightly more, in fact). And I can't help feeling that, partly as a result of this length of time, we are going into marriage in a vastly better state of preparedness than the huge majority of people in all of history.
Now, I always knew we were different - spending more than two years of a relationship in different continents is not the norm, nor would I expect it to be - but in addition to being the way we are, we have also spent ages doing the kind of ground work that is going to pay off in decades' time. Stuff we've intentionally worked through includes:
- what going out with someone is actually for (with Trent & Bronwyn);
- how to move towards marriage withough being utterly dumb (through Patrick Dodson, who has now put his stuff down in a book, thank God);
- compatibility of our experiences & preferences (FOCCUS questionnaire with Rupert)
- 7 weeks marriage prep (with Iain & Theresa using Nicky & Sila Lee's HTB course);
- money management coaching (with Derek & Ann from CAP Money);
- sex and 'intimate stuff' (with the fabulous Doug Rosenau, via his book).
This is just the stuff we've done together - both of us have done bundles of our own private investigating (especially Maria - she's good at asking blunt questions). And after all that we still feel unprepared for all that is ahead. So what on earth must it be like for most couples? The vast majority of spouses do no formal marriage prep whatsoever - I know that the CofE find it a huge effort to make couples attend even a single day session.
And today is Maria's birthday - this wonderful, beautiful, soulful and graceful girl is now 24. Which means that we have known one another for a quarter of her life (slightly more, in fact). And I can't help feeling that, partly as a result of this length of time, we are going into marriage in a vastly better state of preparedness than the huge majority of people in all of history.
Now, I always knew we were different - spending more than two years of a relationship in different continents is not the norm, nor would I expect it to be - but in addition to being the way we are, we have also spent ages doing the kind of ground work that is going to pay off in decades' time. Stuff we've intentionally worked through includes:
- what going out with someone is actually for (with Trent & Bronwyn);
- how to move towards marriage withough being utterly dumb (through Patrick Dodson, who has now put his stuff down in a book, thank God);
- compatibility of our experiences & preferences (FOCCUS questionnaire with Rupert)
- 7 weeks marriage prep (with Iain & Theresa using Nicky & Sila Lee's HTB course);
- money management coaching (with Derek & Ann from CAP Money);
- sex and 'intimate stuff' (with the fabulous Doug Rosenau, via his book).
This is just the stuff we've done together - both of us have done bundles of our own private investigating (especially Maria - she's good at asking blunt questions). And after all that we still feel unprepared for all that is ahead. So what on earth must it be like for most couples? The vast majority of spouses do no formal marriage prep whatsoever - I know that the CofE find it a huge effort to make couples attend even a single day session.
I find this all terrifying. Not that all marriages are doomed unless they become like us, of course, but I do feel that we are saving ourselves VAST amounts of mess and heartache by working hard now (although when I say 'work', I'm not meaning that we don't enjoy it). I know it sounds patronising, but we do feel quite sorry for the zillions of people who get married without access to the stuff that has been normal for us.
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